Do you ever push yourself past what you presumed were inhuman boundaries, achieving only what you thought the gods were capable of? That was me, post Cake Chronicles. Come today, it has officially been a week since I completed There and Cake Again, by Darrin Baggins, and still, I’ve found myself CONTINUOUSLY hungover from all the work put forth by my bank account and stomach. First of, congratulations are in order, I did not die. My teeth are still in my mouth, except the phantom molar in the back that was removed alongside my wisdom tooth, because SOMEBODY DECIDED HE WANTED TO BE A JERK AND IMPACT HIS BROTHER IN MY MOUTH. But, c’est le vie, non?
Here’s some ways I’ve been learning to ween my body off sugar, post-binge.
1. Being incredibly broke. Bitches can’t eat sprinkles if bitches ain’t got no money.
2. Having leftover cake: You can’t quit something cold turkey, you just can’t. I’m not equating sugar to cigarettes, but…. having leftover cake to slowly ween yourself off a diet of only cake?
3. Get a second job. This kills two birds with one stone–if you’re working, you can pay off the deficit left by dessert and also, not eat dessert because you’re working off a debt. Lannisters always repay their debts, and believe me, in the city that never sleeps, there’s insurmountable debt to be had.
I’m not going to lie. this has been mostly what we in the writing community call “a shitpost”, so thank you, as always, for humoring me. The next food adventure is going ot be in hot pursuit of the 5 best places to get weekday drunk, because service and retail workers deserve mimosas and avocado toast too.